Hearing Aziraphale say that he understood managed to calm something within Crowley, but only for a moment before he was overwhelmed with a million other sensations and started crying and blabbering on in a very undignified nature. He felt like a dam opening, releasing the flood of regrets and fears he'd been stoically housing for years. It was embarassing, but in the face of almost being wiped from existence, of losing each other for eternity, it seemed almost stupid to hide it all, now. Especially when his angel wiped away his tears like this was something he had done for him a million times before.
When Aziraphale didn't pull away, when he pulled him in even closer, Crowley released a stuttering breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. Blinking away the tears as best he could, his body fell back into a natural rhythm of breathing, relaxing, finally allowing himself to trust that Aziraphale wasn't going to let go. That this wasn't a formality, or a kindness. That maybe... rendering the Arrangement unnecessary didn't mean he would lose Aziraphale for good.
And then Aziraphale kissed his forehead, and it felt like a benediction. Crowley was always so, so cold, but something in that kiss expanded inside of him, warming him from the inside out.
"You'll still be Crowley."
Crowley was on the edge of a precipice here and he knew it. This could be the end of it. He could sit up, smooth his hair back and find some excuse to go home, and they'd never have to talk about this again. It would be painful, but the other option was much more terrifying. It's one thing to yearn for something impossible and accept as many crumbs as you could get from it. It was another to have your existence's desire right above you, holding you tight. He trembled as he held onto the lapels of Aziraphale's coat, but as a few more moments passed, something resolute settled in his chest.
"We get to decide." Echoing Aziraphale's words, he tilted his head back and willed himself to reach out cup the angel's face with his own hand, gentle and reverent. He was a coward, always had been. But just being near Aziraphale helped him be brave. So, even though he trembled like a leaf in a storm and barely raised his voice above a whisper, he met blue eyes and didn't look away as he said:
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When Aziraphale didn't pull away, when he pulled him in even closer, Crowley released a stuttering breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. Blinking away the tears as best he could, his body fell back into a natural rhythm of breathing, relaxing, finally allowing himself to trust that Aziraphale wasn't going to let go. That this wasn't a formality, or a kindness. That maybe... rendering the Arrangement unnecessary didn't mean he would lose Aziraphale for good.
And then Aziraphale kissed his forehead, and it felt like a benediction. Crowley was always so, so cold, but something in that kiss expanded inside of him, warming him from the inside out.
"You'll still be Crowley."
Crowley was on the edge of a precipice here and he knew it. This could be the end of it. He could sit up, smooth his hair back and find some excuse to go home, and they'd never have to talk about this again. It would be painful, but the other option was much more terrifying. It's one thing to yearn for something impossible and accept as many crumbs as you could get from it. It was another to have your existence's desire right above you, holding you tight. He trembled as he held onto the lapels of Aziraphale's coat, but as a few more moments passed, something resolute settled in his chest.
"We get to decide." Echoing Aziraphale's words, he tilted his head back and willed himself to reach out cup the angel's face with his own hand, gentle and reverent. He was a coward, always had been. But just being near Aziraphale helped him be brave. So, even though he trembled like a leaf in a storm and barely raised his voice above a whisper, he met blue eyes and didn't look away as he said:
"Aziraphale. I love you. I always have."